written by
Trudi Pavlovsky

Expressing Anger- Can It Lead To Happiness?

Mindset 6 min read

Yes! And it's safe to do so!

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Photographer: Andre Hunter | Source: Unsplash

It’s very, very important for us to release our anger, to express our anger.

There is a way to do it that is healthy, that is safe not end up up (and this is my experience), not end up in a space where we are so pushed that the anger explodes outwards.

So many of us have been taught that expressing anger is a bad thing.

That we have to be polite, and we are taught to suck down those feelings and pretend they don't exist. Yay, because that's really helpful.

I wanted to have a bit of a chat today.

Why do we need to release anger?

It is really important to not allow a build up of anger in our body.

Now, as I said before we get to a point where we feel so push them back into a corner it explodes out. And that can be dangerous for us dangerous for others dangerous the things if we pick them up and throw them in the heat of the moment.

But if we're holding, holding, holding, holding stress, holding anger, holding feelings, it's got to go somewhere. And so it stays in us.

But, you know, in that stress and in that anger, our body starts releasing cortisol, we end up physically hurt and aching from it.

If we're not sharing it and expressing it in a healthy way, we start doing our own heading.

And then what can happen is the situation starts getting built up even bigger and bigger in our mind.

It's important that when things are happening, that upset you hurt you make you angry, but you have a way to express that and we need to learn how to do it safely because No one's ever taught us as young children how to safely express anger.

There's a couple of things that you can do.

This can be a little confronting.

It's giving yourself permission to speak at the time.

At the moment. If somebody says something that pisses you off, instead of walking away going, I should say this and I should have said that and next time I see that person and you know, an internal dialogue, at the time, we say, hey, that's out of line.

When you said this, I felt. Now the big distinction here is we want to avoid blaming other people. You said this, you did this and you made me feel?

No, we don't want to attack the person.

We want to discuss the behavior or the words that were spoken.

That's the first thing.

The second thing is, ultimately, if we say they made us feel and it's their fault, we're operating from a place of effect, instead of a place of cause.

We want to be and take responsibility for how we feel.

Anger is actually a very healthy emotion to have and to experience when we release it and let it go.

So it's like when you said this, I felt like this. This upset me because of x y, z. This has been my experience.

These are my beliefs. I don't feel respected. I don't agree with what you're saying.

These "I" statements, I am, I feel, My experience.

It's about you.

And you are allowed to feel how you feel you are allowed to have you your belief. You've had your experience.

It makes you.

And then when that person goes, Oh, but this is what I believe, then you can start having a dialogue.

But you've expressed helpfully, why you're upset without attacking the other person and putting the blame on them.

If you don't stop blaming and pushing back, the other person is going to puff up like a puffer fish.

And they're going to start feeling that they're on the defensive, and they have to attack back, right.

Young people in conversation
Photographer: Alexis Brown | Source: Unsplash

Of course, there are going to be people (potentially) in your world where it is not safe to express that anger to them directly.

And if that's the case, you still need to be able to release that anger from your body.

Now, I was in a very unhealthy relationship in my 20s and I could not express anger to him. He was very good at gaslighting me and I would feel heaps of shame around how I felt, even though I knew that how I felt was okay and it wasn't wrong.

So if you have somebody like that in your life that you can't get away from, I used to go and scream into a pillow soon as I could. Scream and yell into the pillow and let the emotion and the energy out of my body.

So that go release it that way.

Then talk to my my friends about it and get a healthy perspective.

Something I did with my coach, January 2019, or the end of December 2018.

I was lucky enough because I had a lot of built up anger about paid for towards people in my past he stood in as a proxy and he let me yell and scream at him for 20 minutes, and just let out all of the anger and all of the rage.

That transformed my life.

Finding ways to express your anger in safe ways, is really important for your happiness.

Knowing that being angry is a healthy emotion is really, really important to understand and to allow into your life.

Understanding physically what happens to your body if you hold in lots of anger, like I was such a repressed angry person for such a long time, I developed a habit of just like walking with clenched fists all the time because I couldn't actually physically expressed anger.

small dirty hands of a child holding a blue and yellow flower tightly
Photographer: Greg Rosenke | Source: Unsplash

I held it in and I would end up with cramps and pain, so bad in my hands and arms from holding it in, because I wasn't expressing it healthfully.

There's physical, mental and emotional ramifications from not letting it out. There are safe ways to do it.

Be aware of your language.

Your feelings are valid.

Remember, it's never about a direct attack at the person he may have bought things up. It's about discussing the point that was made.

If you have any more questions about anger, and how it can lead to happiness, if you want to share anything in the comments, you are always more than welcome to.

Happiness doesn't have to be big, long, complex processes and years and years and years of therapy.

We can simplify our happiness process and this is one of the ways getting comfortable with expressing the anger that we were told as children was not allowed to be expressed.

We get to rewrite the stories of our past and the meaning and what anger means now is it's a healthy emotion when expressed.

What are you doing today to be happy?

I run a free group called Simplified Happiness on FB. Come and join in the conversation there.

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