The Woke Bro Coach came up as a topic after a conversation about the men in the coaching industry and the toxicity that was showing up.
I was asked ot write this up as a chapter for a book that is no longer going ahead.
I decided instead to post it as a stand alone blog. The context of the book was to review segments of the whole coaching industry.
Here’s my chapter.
Before you throw the #notallmen at me for what I am about to say, of course the only absolutes are universal law and not that all people in a group are acting out the same way.
Everything has shades of grey and finer nuances.
If you’re reading this chapter, there’s a big chance that you or someone you know has experienced toxic male coaching from that “woke bro coach”, or you want to make sure that you don’t.
I’ve been involved in the coaching industry for over a decade now, and I’ve seen people come and go. I’ve seen people invest hundreds of thousands of dollars in coaching and their circumstances haven’t shifted.
I’ve seen the creation and behaviour of people who have worked with the so-called industry gurus, the rise of the “woke bro coach”, and the bulk of those self-appointed gurus are men.
I’ve always had an issue with the word guru and especially self-appointed gurus in coaching.
According to Wikipedia a Guru is:
In the Sanskrit language, guru means teacher. Eastern religions, such as Hinduism, Buddhism, Sikhism and newer movements such as Transcendental Meditation use guru as a title. They give it to a teacher (or guide) of religious matters.
So why is this title so elevated in western society and in the coaching industry?
The helping industry has gone from being an industry that helps people, to an industry that is driven by the psychology of marketing, high ticket sales (often for programmes not worth the investment) and people who complete one course who have been told that they are qualified enough to go out and continue the cycle of selling high ticket programs with education that they are just parroting.
And from my own experiences, what I have seen is that men, more so than women do exactly that.
Women tend to hesitate, lack the confidence to just get out there after one course and do the dammed thing. Which isn’t bad but this has resulted in a hidden poison in the world of coaching.
It shows itself up especially in trauma and Tantric Work
It’s men who gaslight and deliberately trigger women not to help, but to feed their own egos, sexual appetites and control.
The self appointed guru, The WOKE Bro Coach!
Lets break it down.
Firstly, let’s look at male coaches who have minimal training yet want to heal womens sexual trauma.
What would make a man with a minimal training, think that this the ideal first place for them to go and start doing their coaching work?
That’s a red flag for me.
It demonstrates a lack of integrity and points to a potential darker intention.
I’ve heard sales trainers say that women are easier targets to sell to, and when it comes to sexual trauma, marketing to women that they need the masculine to heal their feminine, isn’t about helping it’s about making money.
Cashing in on someone’s trauma because it’s easy to sell to, makes me feel ill.
These coaches are dangerous because they’re led by their ego and the allure of making a quick buck.
What they don’t realise, is they’re wiring in the trauma even more deeply through their ignorance.
One course does not equip you to deal with trauma and sexual abuse.
These men often have their own emotional issues that they haven’t addressed within themselves. They’re looking for external validation to feel better because for many men feeling into and exploring their own emotional states and traumas is way too hard.
They get to live vicariously through other peoples experience.
They’ve gone to a Tony Robbins event, felt better and decided through the voice of the ego, that they can help others. (Plus some heavy sales driven process by the man on stage to get them to buy the only course they'll ever need to be a coach and the event support crew.)
We’ve been to those events, hyper energy, high fives and deep hypnotic trance states to make you more open to purchasing, but don’t get me started on that! (might blog that another day)
As they lack a deeper understanding and experience with healing work, combined with their own wounding, it makes them highly infective and dangerous.
When we add in the God complex, which is ego driven. The masculine desire to set goals and get the results when deciding to work with women, they lack the ability to work with feminine energy and in a space of flow.
They push women to get a surface level result which pushes the trauma even deeper and can have women end up having breakdowns further down the track.
Let’s have a look at the self-appointed gurus who work only with women.
These men are dangerous.
They think they know it all and they have completely bought in to this new identity.
They won’t have many men, if any at all, supporting them in their businesses. They’ll lack male clients or have none at all.
They won’t want to risk being challenged by another man.
They remove competition.
Not only do they display the above characteristics but they are actually educated.
Men like this will very cleverly repackage and rebrand what they know and claim to be unique.
Not only will they take it to their process the but they’re smart, they will sell you into the process. They will make you one of them.
I watched a former rapper go from humble, to creating processes, to going into tantra, sleeping with his mates girlfriend and then shaming his friend for being upset. He began teaching people his process and then demanding more and more money to use the process, as his process got more known.
That itself isn't a problem but it becomes a concern when asking for more money means breaking promises made to people in that regard and threatening people when they dont want to pay.
I saw him get so caught up in his own words and outcomes and results that it completely stepped out of integrity compared to who he was when we met.
Living the “lifestyle” became more important than the work itself.
Or maybe success amplified who he always was?
Totes woke, totes a bro coach. Even dressed up as this super spiritual being.
The Woke Bro Coach, will ask the women around them to go out into the world to find them new clients.
They understand that referrals from the sister hood hold a lot sway.
They will have long and preachy posts about how they have transformed their lives from arsehole bloke to now having King energy and being grounded in their masculine form.
They will say all the right words, speak of honouring the feminine but if you dare challenge them or tell the you don’t agree, look out!
They will threaten to excommunicate you from the group, they will shame you and gaslight you until you think you're wrong and punish you by using you as an example of what’s wrong with the feminine (quite often labelling you as toxic feminine) until you stand down and give them what they want. Be it money, sex or adoration to feed their ego.
The most dangerous male coach is the guru who genuinely thinks that manipulating women into having sex with them, is genuinely actually truly helping. (Vomit)
I know a guy who claims ot be able to support men to have amazing relationships, calls himself woke and claims to be a king but while dating one women, was lining up a second women. (Oh yes the perfect man to help women find love and to show men how to show up for women. Yes that was the sarcasm font))
Narcissistic male coaches are the worse. They are the industry rock stars!
They truly believe in what they do.
They joke about their groups being cults.
They write posts to deliberately trigger people and then shame people for being triggered all the while doing it with a smirk on their face.
Neither of these types of male coaches will understand how to work with the feminine.
They will push and force you to get a result. For a small amount of women, and these are the ones that become the biggest cheerleaders, this does work.
I’m not saying that these coaches don’t get a result but for many women it’s not a lasting result, it doesn’t really heal the trauma it just puts on Band-Aid.
But how do you recognise what these male coaches before you get caught in the web?
Ineffective male coaches lean towards guilt shame and judgement as motivators to get women to take action.
It’s all done under the guise of care but they effectively are bullies to get what they want.
If you don’t do this you don’t really want to change your life. Ever heard that before? It’s the kind of statements someone who doesn’t know how to coach will make to attempt to force an outcome.
And if this is tied in with a traumatic event it wires the trauma in even deeper to your neurology.
It doesn’t work as a coaching tool but they will not be accountable. It is always the clients fault, block, issue, problem, if something doesn’t shift.
If you’re on a discovery call with them and there’s no time to consider signing up to work with them, they want an answer right now: there is another red flag.
And if you're not sure, they will say that you don’t really care about transforming your life, your making excuses, if you really wanted to change you say yes and find a way to make it happen. They talk about how they sold their car to pay for the coaching that transformed their life and they would have the expectation that you do anything to be their client.
They will push you to get a second mortgage to pay to work with because they don’t understand how going further into debt activates your nervous system how engage nervous system in packs your physical body question mental and emotional body all they care about is getting you to sign up and getting what they want.
These coaches will encourage you to go behind your partners back to pay for sessions, with the phrases if he really loves you he won’t mind you investing all of this money in yourself as the trigger to get you across the line.
I mean no one wants to think that their partner doesn’t want them to be happy, right?
The sales technique is manipulation. It’s using guilt and shame to get you to say yes to working with them. Does that sit well with you?
It doesn’t with me.
Why is this a problem?
Apart from the obvious that it’s just basically shitty behaviour, it goes deeper.
It leaves women broke, even more traumatised, distrusting of getting quality help and does real harm in locking the trauma in even deeper.
When anyone is attempting to heal through being guilted, shamed or judged the healing itself becomes traumatic.
Toxic male coaches don’t care about how they get result they only care about getting their own ego fed and bank balance plumped up.
Now this is a two-sided experience so going into the experience with a male coach and staying the experience is also accountable to you.
As a client, dropping your own standards, your own values and expectations, is this how you want to get a result?
You have free will in every moment and as soon as you recognise these red flags you are under no obligation to continue with the coaching.
These male coaches will have no refunds or hoops to jump through for refunds: be warned.
Make sure you read the agreements before saying yes and paying any money. You are allowed and within your rights to do so.
Coaches that are confident with their results will offer refund terms and conditions that makes sense.
Overall this kind of coaching drives you away from your true outcome, so why stick with it?
So how do you know the difference between getting real help or setting yourself up for more harm?
An effective coach will set boundaries and expectations very clearly at the start you’re both working towards the same goal.
Boundaries are especially important when working in the Tantric Arena and working to heal sexual trauma and sexual energy. There are so many male coaches, self-appointed gurus that are especially using women’s sexual trauma against for their own ego driven and often sexual satisfaction.
I’ve heard too many stories of male coaches shaming women through the trauma into sleeping with them.
The the male coach demands intimacy from you and then gaslights you into giving it to him against your better judgement this is not coaching this is assault.
You do not have to have sex with somebody to prove that you have let go of sexual trauma, especially if it goes again your values.
This is why it is so important for you as a client to have a clear outcomes and boundaries before you even begin doing the work.
Examples of red flags.
Woke Bro Coaches have no hesitation is speaking these phrases:
- You have to push through this to heal. If your partner really cared about you, you wouldn’t even need to ask to sign up. Do not tell anyone we are working together.
- If you’re not willing to do <insert action> you aren’t serious about getting better
- I’m woke as fuck (vomit)
Their actions can show up like this:
- They will isolate you from the rest of the community if you do not do what they ask of you.
- They will demand sex, compliance, large sums of money and they will shame you if you question their intention behind the request.
- They will ignore your discomfit for their outcome.
- They brag about who trained them.
- They bad mouth people who no longer are clients.
- They constantly change the agreements for working with them and it is always in their favour.
- They expect you to be grateful for them but never acknowledge you as a client.
Coaching is the fastest growing industry across the globe. It’s now more acceptable to ask for help to move forward in your life.
There are many people with integrity in the industry, and there are many who just want to cash in.
I recommend if you’re working with a male coach, before you start, do you research.
Some simple right but it is to get on the phone to talk to somebody and get sold on spot to sign up.
Find out who this person did their coach training with.
I have red flag coaches, that if somebody has worked with the red flag coach, I will not work with that person.
I suggest you research the person that trained them to get an idea of how their energy will show up.
Looks the testimonials and positive feedback on their personal profile and business pages with the awareness that testimonials can be bought and people who liekthem will write glowing ones.
If there’s testimonials go check to the personal writing them. How is their life looking online?
If you can’t find anything ask for it and check out the person has given it.
Ask yourself why specifically do you want a male coach?
Are you potentially bringing the wrong energy to your healing work?
I have a brilliant male coach who helped me heal some deep wounding from religious trauma and an absent father as a child: but the work was done at my request and after the foundations had been laid for me to be safe in the process.
You simply do not need anyone to push your to heal at their expected timeline for you.
If you need time to build trust, take that time.
Remember though. men who do not understand their programming vs a woman programming wont understand you need for time.
Looking for “guru” to fix you is the start of the pathway which can allow toxic male coaching to occur.
And it’s not your fault, the marketing spin and strong personality can totally sweep you off your feet and reel you in.
These woke bro coaches are so good at standing up and speaking powerfully, they know so many subtle manipulation tactics, if you don’t know the red flags… you get caught in the web.
So now you are no longer at the whim of the spiders bite…. Stay woke my friends. 😎
Love Trudi
Australias Happiness Coach
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