Our lives are made up of a series of beliefs and over time they can form patterns of behaviour in our life, and most of the time we don’t even realise they are there.
Today I believe I have finally broken through with a pattern and really grasped how deep this underlying belief system is, that has ruled my life.
It has been a sit on the side of the bed and sob, head in hands like I used to cry when I was a child, breakthrough.
It was an ugly cry with loud sobs for a good hour. (And no red eyed selfies will be shared, no one needs to see that)
After a build-up of things and awareness and all the things showing up, I couldn’t push it down anymore.
I couldn’t deny what need to heal. (To deny it now would be to my detriment and I’ve worked on myself for too long to bypass this moment, even though the ugly crying sucked) Thinker / phase persister for my PCM friends.
Now where was I…..?
I realised what I had been searching for and longing to hear for so many years….
What my inner child wanted to know to feel safe.
And why I kept people at arms length emotionally and why it has been so hard for people to get into my heart.
Yeah…. It was a big thing to have to face.
I cried for lost love, and the helpless rage at reflecting back on how they got to go on and be happy.
They left me behind and had a better life without me.
The pattern of people leaving better off for having known me, primed to go and create the life they dreamed of AND LEAVING ME BEHIND. (Can you hear my foot stamp?)
The pain of hearing time and time again “You don’t want children so there’s no point us working on saving this relationship” and in those moments wondering why I wasn’t enough?
Being asked to choose between them and my dreams, never a lets do both scenario seemed to available. Then if I chose my dream, left behind again, even as I moved forward with my life.
These kinds of issues creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of they will leave me anyway…..
That never ends well, unconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The pattern over my life gaining behavioural strength because the evidence always showed itself.
Being told I love you but my kids will always be my first priority over you. I wasn’t even good enough to be an equal.
Oh how that burned.
Love has been so conditional. Lacking in compromise. (From me as well, I’ll own that)
I realised today I have lived my life wanting to be the priority in someone life.
My inner child craved the safety and security of being first, someones one and only and I didn’t know that until this week the pattern completed its cycle. AGAIN! GAK!
I didn’t know how to break the pattern and show little me that she was my priority and that’s was ok, we could be safe together because I couldn’t see she needed that from me.
I couldn’t see I needed that level of reassurance. I’m a strong independent women right….!
I spent so many years angry and defensive, yet all both myself and little me where wanting was a place all our own in someones heart.
Unconditionally.
Repelling in my needy state, the thing I wanted most. True, deep and connected love.
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